Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
