so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
