My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.