is your mom at the bar?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
