after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
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Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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