One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
