Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize