i need an iv and a liver transplant
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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