Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
