I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
