Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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