My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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