See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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