I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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