Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
