"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
