i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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