I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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