Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
