Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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