Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
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I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
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Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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