The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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