he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
