He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your cock deserves a montage
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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