I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
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You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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