All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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