you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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