Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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