the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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