i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
