i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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