WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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