I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
