Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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