So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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