I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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