my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
