Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.