he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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