I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.