He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
