matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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