Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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