If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dignity is for republicans.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
