I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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