i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
