I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
