??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
