I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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