Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
