can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
