Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
