CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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