i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
