good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
