i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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