I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
