Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Randomize
